the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Randomize
