Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
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