my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Randomize
