I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
