Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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