I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
