just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
