my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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