Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
