I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
