I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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