She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
