don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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