So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
