Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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