a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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