I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
