I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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