upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
FUCK WHALES
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
