the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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