I feel like I'm in dance class right now
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
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