I'm gonna have a badass scar
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
