Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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