I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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