Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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