i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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