i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
