She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
