Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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