The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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