FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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