he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
