Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
