Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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