I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Randomize
