...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
