having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
