this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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