If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
