Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
