Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
