Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
