sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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