So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
