she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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