first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
