Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
