chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
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