I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
