You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
There's always time for handjobs
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
