I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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