It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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